Ramblings on trust

Trust is a five letter word. It is earned and sometimes not easily given. If you break some ones trust, how do you earn it again?

Learning to trust someone isn't easy. Learning to forgive once that trust is broken is even harder. Forgiveness may be easy, but forgetting isn't.

Earning forgiveness and trust should show some sort of remorse or actual feelings that you have broken that trust and it matters to you. You cannot expect to earn forgiveness or trust without remorse.

finding contentment in change

Many times I have heard the phrase, "Bloom where you are planted." Haven't we all? I think as an Army wife, sometimes this statement becomes redundant.. it is used over and over.. We move and well about the time we are "comfortable," it is time to allow those packers to come in and load your "home" onto an 18 wheeler. For what can be a few days, maybe a few weeks, or even longer you are "homeless."

I remember the first time we had to move, I thought the "homeless" thing was kinda humerus. I remember calling my mom and telling her I was officially homeless as I watched that 18 wheeler drive away. It has become a joke now, each time I see that truck drive away, I say it... Homeless... It doesn't really affect me that much anymore, and I guess in some ways it is still humerus. It has a feeling of adventure, excitement, and of course stress that comes with moving. It doesn't matter if you are moving next door, down the road, or across several states or an ocean there is always stress.

For an Army wife, moving is a way of life. After a while, I think most of us start to feel that,"let's get to moving" itch. We feel that excitement in the air. Change of scenery, a new home to decorate, new adventures, new places to explore, and most of all new friends. Friends are a blessing and many times become family.

In our years of Army life, I have been blessed with some of the best. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into when my husband signed that dotted line and promised to work for good ol' Uncle Sam. It was something I never imagined "us" doing. Of course, it was a joke to me and one that well I can laugh about now. Never tell your husband in a sarcastic tone he should do something, he just might come home the next day having done just that! Joined the Army! I didn't love the idea at all. It took a good year or so for me to realize what we had really gotten ourselves into, well actually what HE had gotten us into.

The more we move and I met other Army or military spouses or our extended church family, I am amazed at how each of those friends help to mold me into something more. With each move and new place I find more of myself becoming something different. I am becoming more of what "HE" wants me to be. Each time that He places me in a new environment, I find that I can grow and I can learn more. I am becoming bits and bits of that person He created me to be. I'm always reminded, he's still working on me.

As I am faced with a new place on the horizon and having to say many farewells here in a place that well, had to grow on this country gal. I still feel like that fish in a big pond I once wrote about, but I have learned that I can manage. :) Big girl panties still intact! LOL  I have expanded my family once again. I have learned that I can be a supportive Army wife and really LOVE it, I can be a leader, I can be an adoptive aunt, I can be a friend, I can be just a stay at home mom once again, I can help soldiers and their families, I can learn new skills, and more importantly, I have learned that I can grow in more ways than one and I can still learn to be CONTENT.

I now realize, that when that 18 wheeler rolls away, I am still home. When my sweet family of four climbs into the car and drives away onto our next adventure, I am HOME, not homeless.

Thinking out loud..

Where to start?

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

Little fish in a big pond....

Ever felt like a little fish in a big pond? Just swimming and swimming.. only to go or get no where? That is how I have felt for the last 6 months or so.

Yes, I repeatedly try to stay positive and stick to my "content" mantra. It really isn't working.

Our new location is a challenge in itself. Add homeschool challenges in the mix and well life has been just a big pond and I'm that little fish lost in there somewhere. The location just isn't my cup of tea.. I like the post and that's about it. Add hubby's new position and challenges of his new job makes for less family time. When he is home, he wants to sleep. Who can blame a man who works nearly 16 hours a day? Not me, but I do.. I want to make up for lost time. You can't... I want to be supportive and I am trying. The traffic here is crazy and no matter where you go you nearly have to every time take an interstate.. I am working on ways around this, however, not always possible. Just to get anywhere you have to drive 30+ minutes. No joke! For a small town girl, that can be a bit overwhelming.

Homeschooling here has been an issue before we even moved. I was shocked that I wanted to continue! I mean in all honesty I never thought I would be that parent. However, as usual God laughed. He put the burden on me and the first year was a challenge, but rewarding! I enjoyed it and I felt the kids did too. When I found out we were moving, I wanted to use the same curriculum that we were using. The state here makes that hard. I had to enroll our kids in the regular B&M school here for 8 days! Yep! Craziness! I got snide comments, rude looks, and who knows what else from the staff there. The kids enjoyed 8 days (last 8 days of the school year) with field trips, movie days, parties, and etc. So after fighting our way into the system here, we are finally enrolled! Now everyday is a new adventure to say the least! Not in a good way. The state is now requiring students of this program to do so much more! So the program keeps adding on things and changing everything on a weekly basis. They are really becoming just like a B&M, teaching for the standardized tests! I do not like that! This curriculum is supposed to be at your own pace etc. Not so much! The online sessions you are required to attend with your teachers, cover information that you are not even working on in the curriculum. So it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Not to mention, this state has some heavy requirements on their standardized testing, it is a fail or pass. You fail, you are held back a grade. To say that I am worried how that will affect my children is an understatement!

All the extra stress of the state requirements has made it hard to enjoy the HS adventure this year. Even worse, I feel I can't discuss this with my hubby. Every thing I say that is just a gripe about the rough day or something, he uses it as fuel as to why we should not HS. He was supportive of this decision and saw the impact and how well it went last year. This year, I have doubts all of my own. I feel I have left the stranded. I have been overwhelmed by the new place, with all the state requirements that are constantly changing with this program, and everything in between. I have felt like other parents, they should be able to do this on their own. That is how it is set up anyway.. Well, yes it is set up that way, but I am coming to realize my kids are not ready for that. In some subjects yes, but those that require more "teaching" I need to be doing just that. Teaching. They are picking up the frustration and well to say that it has been stressful is putting it lightly. I want to be able to talk to my husband without fear that he will jump on the B&M bandwagon every time. Just let me vent. I feel I listen to his day and I just want the same respect. Many times I have tried to tell him, but backed out. I guess next year will be another change... That is another story, who knows what I will do then.

Just feeling lost and like I have no one to talk to.

Backslide or not to backslide, that is the question

I'm gonna jump on this bandwagon. Just what is backsliding? 

— verb (used without object), back·slid, back·slid or back·slid·den, back·slid·ing. 

1. to relapse into bad habits, sinful behavior, or undesirable activities. 

— noun 

2. an act or instance of backsliding: a backslide from his early training.  

What is a conviction?  a fixed or firm belief: No clever argument, no persuasive fact or theory could make a dent in his conviction in the rightness of his position.  

I am sure many see this in many ways. For me, a conviction isn't something I was forced to do. It is something that I felt God asked me to do. It was an outward sign of obedience. An outward sign that something had truly changed on the inside. Would I consider changing that outward appearance because I changed churches? Probably not. Why? Because if God showed me the reasons for those convictions, they were between me and God. No ONE else. I did it for God and no ONE else. Now the question is, would that be considered backsliding? Well to some people maybe not, although to some yes. It was a covenant between you and God or it should of been. You should of chose those convictions because of your relationship with God, not man. So I guess the only person that could say it is or isn't considered backsliding is Jesus. However, I can definitely see and would think myself that if some outward appearance  changed, how can an inward change not occur at the same time? I'm not saying that just because you wear pants you are going to hell. I don't believe that my skirts and uncut hair will get me into heaven, but I believe that when I studied the reasons for these convictions and I prayed and asked God to show me what he wanted me to do, not because my future husband was wanting me to. I asked God and listened. Therefore it became a conviction -between me and God. A promise that I made to him to do as he has asked of me, not anyone else.

On another note, if a Man of God says that I was backsliden, I wouldn't judge him. We are called to honor their authority in our life. If I judge him because he is judging me, I am only doing what I don't want him to do of me? Judge! Maybe some of that comes from being hurt or angry at something that has happened between us. So that would end up being just disobedience to God and not honoring a man of God that was placed in authority by God. Maybe I am no longer under that authority, but I am still called to honor that authority.

Modesty

I know that Modesty can seem like a bad word these days. Have times really changed so much that we have forgotten? Some things are better hidden..

The other day I sat behind a young girl. I am sure she is maybe 15 or 16, not really sure. She had this really cute dress on. Well, if you forget that it was more like a long shirt and was low in the front leaving not much to be imagined. Really? I couldn't help but think of my sweet girl and that Lord help me if she ever leaves the house that way. I prayed this girl would not bend over or lift her arms. Seriously... It really was like that.

Let.s do a light check.. Can you see through it?
Let.s do a hallelujah check... if I lift my hands how short is it?
Let.s do a bend over check.... can you see down it? does it come up too high in the back?
You get the picture...

I kept thinking she is right in front of my husband and the words of my pastor's wife came back to me. I don't want someone else tempting my husband! Yes it is a young girl and well he isn't like that. She will someday be a grown woman.. What are we teaching our girls these days?

I know shopping for myself is a challenge.. It is made too tight or too short. Heck I seem to buy bigger just so I don't feel like I am squeezing into everything. If it is too short I layer it or heck don't buy it. I have a limit on the shortness.. and the lowness in the front.

I want my daughter to know that she does not need to flaunt it to get a guy. She can be a modest girl and beautiful inside and out! If he can't love her for her modesty, he doesn't love her for her.

Ladies, teach your daughters to be mindful of themselves. Think better of themselves. No need to ask for unwanted attention.

I know I'm not the most modest, but I am working on it. He is still working on me....

I am done ranting for today... well maybe..

1 Timothy 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;

Pondering...

Over the last few weeks I have just been in a funk.. Not quite sure why. I can pin point a few reasons. Just trying to keep my head up. I know this is just a season.. Right? 

I have struggled with some offense and I shouldn't let it get to me like I have. I have realized that people were not what they seemed to be. I started to worry that when someone sees me or gets to know me, is it the REAL me? I know that we tend to change this or that sometimes depending on who we are around or the situation we are in a the time. I pray that no matter what I am always myself and I maybe this or that changes, but I never cave on my convictions or say things that I don't really mean.

Last week, I was offended by something that shouldn't have bothered me. It should of made me feel blessed! Instead, I started thinking they never said this or that when I was there and etc. You know that pity party? In all honesty, I didn't feel like celebrating in this blessing for someone else.. So I kinda lied...  Well I say stretched it. I did the complete opposite of what my flesh was feeling! I went with what I knew was right. So lie or not, I said what I wished I could of felt like saying. 

All in all, I guess you can't talk about someone else's weeds until you pull your own!